Thursday, December 17, 2009

Why you crying?

We have been here for three days now and I am starting to really hate it. I am starting to hate to go to the bathroom, go to the lobby,or just out of the room to tell you the truth. There is only one way in and one way detours, no short-cuts, no trying to ignore what is going on just on this floor. I have cried myself to sleep just thinking of all the folks up in here and what there families are dealing can't help but to feel for what they are going through.

Some of these patients we have seen around City of Hope in clinic or here during chemotherapy. So it's easy to think don't look, keep going, but you do look. Just to make sure everything is alright even if its not. I guess that is just how we are build to look even if you have no business looking...we look and I do. I thought about wearing my damn sunglasses but I think someone would think something is up, especially after visiting hours are over.

I want to reach out to the whole family and give them a great big hug and say everything is going to be alright but the truth of it is, it's like Marco says "It is what it is."
It is a raw reality and we are very exposed to all of that here.

I am already a mess being here again, having Marco go through this shit again, being here watching them put poison in his veins and counting on "hope" that it will shrink the "F"ing tumors.
I sit here and watch him tolerate this ,wondering what goes through his mind. I know that the fear is tremendous ,we all feel it. The unknown is what scares me the most, I think.

The what and where do we go from here is scary shit too. We have to just sit and wait to see what the chemo does. Helpless is what I feel. Wanting to do more and I can't, is like having my hands tied up behind my back. Like Kriticona said in the last post you just want to find out who is exactly responsible for all this so I can just give them an ass kicking ,they wouldn't know what hit them. Whom ever it is!

Well today the kids came down to COH, thanks to Salt-n-Pepper and Medicated Man. The nurses didn't want Marco to go down to the lobby. But later on in the evening they made an exception to let him go down to the main lobby for about 5 min. which we all enjoyed.

I would like to thank everyone for all your support and thoughtful words we really appreciate each and everyone of you.

Handsome we know you can do it again! We are all here for whatever you may need weather you want it or not. We love you!

Why are you crying? Marco asked after our afternoon walk down the I turned to him both with teary eyes and said cause I can. lol


Anonymous said...

Lazy T says...

It was nice seeing you guys before I went away for a week. Got to talk to Marco about BBQ, Tiger, and a whole variety of subjects. Was a little strange without the usual subjets there. I hope all else goes well, and that you are out of there as soon as possible. Wishing you guys a Merry Christmas!!!!!!!

Lazy T

PS Its OK to cry. It is therapeutic and sometimes you just need to.

Surviving 3 Under 5 said...

You can't just ignore the companions on your journey. All of these people that have shared their story with you guys during incounters at an City of Hope have shared a bit of themselves with you. I know I remember stories of some of the people you have met. I think of them often.

You know personally that this road is a scary one. It is real,it is painful and yes you feel their pain.

Marcs is lucky to have you, to be there with him, to help carry the burden.....of being overwhelmed, scared , tired, bored, sick. I know that you are pulling your part of the weight in this journey. And the most beautiful part is that you all are a team.

Your charm is that you "Do not Look Away". You are part of the journey 150%. And because of that you are Marcs's girl.

Your children are just like you two. they are growing to be compassionate and caring individuals. Don't ever regret that "You do not Look Away" That compassion is what is core to your family. You touch everyone you meet. In turn you are blessed by the life stories that others share with you.

You are stronger than a bee or stronger than a tree or ...or stronger that it seems. Through all of the knocks, You are still standing. Wait... You are standing strong!

Love you

Anonymous said...

"why you crying!?"I find myself asking the same question on my way to work, or on my way home. Thinking that all the people on the road are going somewhere, living through something, and trying to just get through the day as we all do- and then it hits me. And I can't stop the tears from coming no matter how hard I try. I want answers! I want to know where this road is going and why it has gone off to the crappiest road ever. Why do we have to live through this and be constantly reminded that something is behind this but no one knows what exactly yet is behind this bull-nonsense. And why do we have to be so emotionally stressed and concerned day to day. Never do we think we will truly not know why things happen, it is just something that is a figure of speech most of the time. And never do you think that being at a hospital you can tell what is going on- just by where people are walking, how they are walking, who they are walking with, or what they are walking with. It hurts to read your words because when Chemo was so far from our options we would look at these people and just think 'damn that must suck'. Now you are checking on them as I am sure many are aware of you. Reflecting on the past year and where we are now hurts. Why? Why are we crying? Why do you have to be pondering all these scenarios and possibilities? Why do you have to live this nightmare that keeps being re-lived, each time bringing something else to the table. You guys always try to the make the best of a situation and just to know how crappy he is feeling is enraging. The hope will always be there that this will just lay dormant and let life go on without all this repetition. That we hear you say you went for a walk somewhere or a store rather than COH.

Elizabeth Munroz said...

As a sarcoma survivor, I've followed your blog for some time now and haven't made a comment no matter how many times you've touched a nerve. But, today I'm crying, too. Several loved ones have been treated at COH over the years. Some have survived. But, now my son in law has had surgery and is being treated. I haven't cried until now. Thank You for your heart open honesty and helping to open my held back tears. Bless you!

Anonymous said...

Leezy120 said...
This past week has been an intense week at COH. It always is, but more because it's the holidays and you see even kids fighting cancer alone. You see so much and the reality well is the reality of people that are fighting this battle and sometimes alone in their rooms. We don't have control over other's situations or family life, but we do have control of Marco's situation. He will not be alone. The Wife is there day and night with Marco and I know she sees more then what we see when we visit through the day and that's that we see a lot. I must say that I was deeply touched by Marco's Nurse Julie. She is that special nurse that you always hope your loved one will get. I always hope and pray that Marco is in good hands. The Wife knitted a beautiful scarf for her. That was special. The kids also did their part. I went to the COH Gift Shop and found a bookmark with this poem, the author is Anonymous.

"Cancer Is So Limited"

It cannot cripple love.

It cannot shatter hope.

It cannot corrode faith.

It cannot destroy peace.

It cannot kill friendship.

It cannot suppress memories.

It cannot silence courage.

It cannot invade the soul.

It cannot steal eternal life.

It cannot conquer the spirit.

We love you guys! And see you soon!