What I would have given to hear that the fishing trips that we have taken , had taken a tole on Marco's surgery area. That would of been the best words out of the doctors mouth. Instead the words that we all dread were uttered out of the doctors mouth " Well, the cancer is back"; even thought we had an incline that it may have been the case, you are never prepared. It still hits you like a fuck'n pile of bricks.
Marco had already made a decision to not do anymore chemo treatments or surgery's but has now taken a second look at things and has decided to go ahead and do the chemo. Going in with mixed emotions, he is the one that is going through all this and he is the only one that has to deal with all this shit. I can only go by what he is feeling by looking at him and seeing the look in his face that he feels like shit.
We had just taken that beautiful coastal road trip a couple of weeks ago. In that time I can say that we left cancer behind us and we didn't think of COH we didn't think that maybe something would be growing inside Marco. It was a peaceful road trip we didn't even get on each others nerves. We all enjoyed each others company....it was the best time we have had as a family that we all enjoyed. Who knew that this awesome feeling would come to a straight halt.
Why can't we just stay on the "road trip moments". Why doesn't this SOB just stop growing and coming back. Why did all this happen in the first place? Why is this happening again?
Marco has to deal with chemo again and it's unfair........he says it's the worst thing someone has to go through. Not to mention all the surgery's he has had and all the pain that comes with the aftermath.
Selfish is the word that came to our minds in the last couple of days.....is the person who is going through cancer selfish for not wanting to go through all the shit with chemo and surgery. Are they selfish that they need to think twice before saying yes to harsh treatments , selfish to say I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS ANY MORE!!!!! to put themselves first besides their children, wife, family and friends. This is one the hardest things that goes through Marco's mind. I had to take 3 steps back and say you are right.
The same way we are selfish to say you need to do the treatments, chemo, surgery's, radiation, even though we know all the shit that he goes through because he has gone through it before and "He can do it!".....I am not sure anymore....and neither is Marco.
We are selfish to think that all this shit needs to be done for the kids, for the wife, for the family and anyone else. I feel selfish to think that he may be doing all of this because he feels he has to prove a point, not to look like he is giving up, the pressure he feels of letting family down. When will enough be enough..........Marco has had to make one of the most difficult decisions in his life. It all comes down to damned if you do and damned if you don't kind of decisions. At the end Marco is the one to make that decision and we all need to respect his decisions. Whether we like it or not.....we are not the ones going through all this shit.
Today was the one of many devastating days to hear that the cancer is back. You can't imagine the anger that I feel...it is just overwhelming in ever way possible.
Marco will start chemo tomorrow because of the 1% something will help, but 99% of his entire being is saying he should not be doing it.....that outta tell you something.