Friday, September 9, 2011

Anxious


Last night, while Marco and I are writing question that we had for the surgeon for today's appointment. Matthew walks in and lays in bed with us, looks at me with slight teary eyes and says. Can you make an appointment with Marisol please, I need to talk with her. I could see that he was upset and wanted to talk.
I asked why he needed to talk with her and he said I just want to understand what is going on with my dad and want to talk with her. So I told him he had Daisy to talk with and he says Um.....I don't know. Looked like he wanted to talk with Marisol, who had showed him what was going on with Marco's cancer by hands on teaching and he liked that. I told him Daisy was there to listen to anything that bothers him if he felt he couldn't talk with us. He says I can talk with you guys but I need to understand.

So I tell him Daisy would probably start by asking you How are you Machini? As I ask in a Daisy tone......Machini says "okay". So Machini, give me three words that would describe how you feel inside. Machini turns to me and says SAD,WORRIED, and ANXIOUS (this is a big word for him). Gianina comes in the room and jumps on to the bed and hugs Machini as she usually does....as I continue to ask...
Why to you feel sad? Machini's reply "Because the cancer came back and he needs another surgery". What worries you? That something might go wrong, as tears start to poor down his face. You could see he was trying hard to hold the tears back. So I told him it was ok to cry and have all these feeling and that he was not alone every single one of us is feeling the same thing, especially your Daddy.
So why do you feel anxious? I don't know I just do.....tears rolling down his face. I realized something last night, Machini grew up. He was not excited about going to the Bistro to have a Club Sandwich as he rubbed his belly and licked his lips...like all the times before. At the tender age of 8 he is understanding now that the cancer coming back is not a good thing and how it is affecting us all, he is showing more feelings and interest in what is going on with Dad. He looked terrified. Gianina was hugging him. Its hard to see your kids grow up real quick in front of you. By that I mean having to deal with reality's of life that no one should be dealing with in life.

Gianina was 13 when Marco was first diagnosed and she grew up quick. I told Matthew, It's scary stuff to have to deal with when your a kid, so I told him if he ever felt like crying and he is in school not to worry about the kids and that he could count on his teacher to help out because she already knew what was going on, and he looked at me with a sigh of relieve in his face.

I called everyone's name in the family out loud and told him that each of them all felt the same way and that we were not alone and if he needed to talk to someone any of them would be more than happy to hear him out, they would let him cry on his should and give out great big hugs. Because everyone felt the same way and would understand.

I told him if he ever felt anger to let me know and I would stand there with a pillow so he could hit it till he couldn't no more and if that didn't work I would hold G in front of me and he could have a go at her. He laughed so hard.
Marco was on the bed listening to all that was being said. So I told Matthew that if he wanted to ask Marco if he was scared or any other question he could that is what your dad is there for. Ask him how he is doing? You can ask him anything and he will answer you.

Marco got up to sit at the edge of the bed so I asked Matthew to come around and give his dad a great big hug and say I am scared too. Marco told him that it was ok to feel scared, but we have to be fighters too and not give up, no matter how scary it may be.

Marco tells him the doctors at COH are smart and know what they are doing. Marco explained what happens when he is called in to the back before surgery and what happens when they start to put him to sleep (Machini looking way and covering his teary eyes) and then I wake up and its over he says but I will wake up with a big headache though. But don't worry everything will be ok.

Machini turns, looks at Marco and says I have one question thought and Marco says what is it? Machini replies can I go to sleep I am very tired......and we're back, the grown-up didn't last long.....lol


3 comments:

Surviving 3 Under 5 said...

Machini we all feel the same way. We understand how you feel. Keep letting your feelings out. Talking about it can make you feel better. Once you cry it out a bit... you might feel a bit better too. We all are worried. Nunu was asking why cancer was bad. I explained that cancer cells are bad cells that act like fools and make trouble in the body. Roman says he feel nervous about it and how it keeps coming back. Julio says he feels sad.
You are not alone. We all are here with you. I promise to give you a big hug when you need one. Then later... you can give me a hug too.
Love you Nina

Anonymous said...

I love you all so very much. And we also feel so many things. To my precious cuties, you are not alone through these trying and difficult times. You have grown and matured faster than any kids I know. I wish I had words of comfort, but I'm struggling with my thoughts as well. I too send you a super great big tight hug and my most powerful positive thoughts. I love you. Leezy

Anonymous said...

I read posting on fb or the blog and I just cry and trying to understand just LIKE the boys and wondering WHY WHY!!! .... sometime I say should I call no maybe its not a good day should we go over no maybe it's not a good day.... .... but theres not a day that doesn't go by. That we wonder what or how everyone is doing ... love u guys!!!