Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Just Trying To Understand....

This nightmare and roller coaster that we seem to have gotten on and can't get off
of is just torturous. Marco and I were talking last night and it’s just so hard trying to understand how the hell we got here. How did we end up here, where no one wants to be? Told after so much shit Marco had to endure at COH that there is nothing humanly possible that can be done anymore. It’s hard to accept.

His thoughts are on: when, where, and how will it happen, how much longer do I have? It’s
been 3 months since Dr. Chow let us know that, that was it. Marco even wonders if he is selfish, selfish for wondering how much time he has. We know no one has an expiration date, believe me his not in a rush. But these are things that he thinks about often.

The emotional tension is the worse I think, we are just bombs ready to bust. Yeah, we let it out here and there, but it just seems like there is just something bigger hiding under the first couple of tears. It's hard to play the waiting game. Marco says, “you know it’s around the corner and you’re ok with that, but you don't want it to get here either.”

We are on watch 24/7. We are constantly asking Marco: How are you feeling? Are you ok? There
are times Marco walks and begins to lose his balance, he coughs at times, he has shortness of breath and you can’t help but be cautious of everything. The pressure he has been feeling in his chest now and head is worrisome because that shit could pop up in his head again as well.

It’s hard to not to think of what could happen at any time. I ask Marco if I get on his damn
nerves asking him all the time if his is okay, but he replies with no. It is really hard understanding everything Marco has gone through and for what? It just doesn't make any sense, but we do believe someone out there has voodoo dolls for us. But I believe Marco when he sings to me “LOVE, LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER” (yes he does sing that to me and he holds the tune). Those are some powerful words coming from this man.

Time and time again, we don't have an explanation for it. Well, I feel I do need an explanation or more so a better understanding. I am just so pissed, that we have to go through all this. Even with all the uncertainty that life hold for us, we try to look far above the dark clouds that loom over us every day.


Anonymous said...

I love you so much

bletchley said...

My heartbreaks just reading this.

Surviving 3 Under 5 said...

There is no answer. It is not fair. It is not right. It does not make sense.
Know that you are surrounded by a family that loves you. We value you. We know that Marco is honest, hardworking, giving,loving...etc. You do not deserve this. You have always been the best, friend, brother, father, husband, neighbor, coworker thta anyone could have asked for. I doubt there is a voodoo doll with your name on it.

Surviving 3 Under 5 said...

All that pent up frustration can be released easily.
1. Go to the casino.
2. Go race car drivin.
3. Give Victor a few good socks in the arm (my favorite).
4. Clean out your closet (opps, that one is for me).
5. Drink and let it out!

Call me when you decide I will join you! love you

Anonymous said...

Marcus just know that I think of you every single day and that you are in my thoughts and in my prayers:)

Anonymous said...

6. Go get a tattoo.

yeah.. i think you should do option 6. and marcito should too... he probably can't feel it in most spots anyway :) Just so S3U5 can stick to her word. Mwah-ha-ha. Let me know if you choose 6. and I will definitely be there with a video camera so you can see and hear it through our eyes. hehe.