This nightmare and roller coaster that we seem to have gotten on and can't get off
of is just torturous. Marco and I were talking last night and it’s just so hard trying to understand how the hell we got here. How did we end up here, where no one wants to be? Told after so much shit Marco had to endure at COH that there is nothing humanly possible that can be done anymore. It’s hard to accept.
His thoughts are on: when, where, and how will it happen, how much longer do I have? It’s
been 3 months since Dr. Chow let us know that, that was it. Marco even wonders if he is selfish, selfish for wondering how much time he has. We know no one has an expiration date, believe me his not in a rush. But these are things that he thinks about often.
The emotional tension is the worse I think, we are just bombs ready to bust. Yeah, we let it out here and there, but it just seems like there is just something bigger hiding under the first couple of tears. It's hard to play the waiting game. Marco says, “you know it’s around the corner and you’re ok with that, but you don't want it to get here either.”
We are on watch 24/7. We are constantly asking Marco: How are you feeling? Are you ok? There
are times Marco walks and begins to lose his balance, he coughs at times, he has shortness of breath and you can’t help but be cautious of everything. The pressure he has been feeling in his chest now and head is worrisome because that shit could pop up in his head again as well.
It’s hard to not to think of what could happen at any time. I ask Marco if I get on his damn
nerves asking him all the time if his is okay, but he replies with no. It is really hard understanding everything Marco has gone through and for what? It just doesn't make any sense, but we do believe someone out there has voodoo dolls for us. But I believe Marco when he sings to me “LOVE, LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER” (yes he does sing that to me and he holds the tune). Those are some powerful words coming from this man.
Time and time again, we don't have an explanation for it. Well, I feel I do need an explanation or more so a better understanding. I am just so pissed, that we have to go through all this. Even with all the uncertainty that life hold for us, we try to look far above the dark clouds that loom over us every day.