Monday, January 9, 2012

Looking Back and Reflecting On The Important Things

Marco has been trying to do his best to scrounge some energy get out the house lately. Each day it looks like he has to ask the right side for permission and then his left side thinks about it and by that time it is noon. But all in all, he seems to be doing okay aside for not having much of an appetite lately, he says he just isn't hungry.

The new year has been quiet thus far, but I just can't help to think of the shitty year we had in 2011. To many things, the beginning of the year we lost our home that we lived in for 14 years. We were sad to let it go, but we didn't have a choice. I always said as long as we are all together it was ok it was just a house, but it proved me wrong. I had a hard time with it. But it was for the better, just glad Salt-N-Pepper and Medicated Man took us in.

Marco had his last surgeries in his lung followed by the brain tumor which caught us off guard, from one day to the next. We said our good-byes to COH, which has been so good to us. All the doctors that helped Marco through his cancer surgeries, Dr. Vijay Trisal, Dr.Warren Chow, Dr. Fredrick Grannis, Dr. Yen Chen, Dr. Tan, all the nurses in the radiation dept., all the super nurses in 4-West, Lee the maintance technician and the valet guys, Estella from the positive image center, Amy and Daisy and Marisol who helped us all through the emotional roller coaster our kids were dealing with, their kind words and easy way of explaining things were helpful too, everyone was amazing.
I sometimes miss that place, not for Marco to have treatment, but for all the people we had the pleasure to meet.

Then having to be told that there was nothing else that could be done for Marco at COH was heart breaking and it left us frozen to say the least. It was as if someone had punched you in the stomach. Even though it was something we knew was coming it was hard to swallow, even now.

The hard thing about it is that we don't know what lies ahead, what will happen or how will it happen and that is the scary part. We all worry when Marco is not feeling good, looks tired, we are all just keeping an eye on him all the time. I am sure it gets on Marco's last nerve, but we tell him we just love him so much we want to make sure he is okay at all times.

His equilibrium has been way off at times and his vision he says it worse at times so I told him whether he likes it or not we all have our eyes on him.

There is just so much that needs to be done for Larry (nurse) and yet I can't seem to get that stuff done. It ain't easy trying to make funeral arrangements and videos and all. This has to be one of the hardest things to do right now. I had asked Surviving 3 under 5 to please help me and go to the cemetery and get information for us.
She said she had a hard ass time getting her shit together, I could only imagine me going there. TERRIBLE but she cowgirl'd up and did a great job in getting exactly what we asked of her.

So here I think I am in the for a couple of months now I was under the understanding that when shit hit the fan we would call these people and we were ready to go...noooooo. I fix the cemetery information card on the hospice folder for Larry and I let him know the other day that this is the card with information to call and it would be good to go. So he asked so it everything done chosen and paid for...I told him.."no.." lol. He says ok, you need to get it all done so all I have to do is call and everything is taken care of and I don't have to ask you a million question cause you will not have a clue or the mentality to answer any question if anything should happen.

Let me tell you, its not something I or we want to do or care to do but we know it needs to get done so that is my goal this month to get that shit done. Marco has given his input of what he wants and how he would like it, and its just so weird to us to be talking about it while he is still alive.

I do recommend that you all let your loved ones know what you want and don't want for your funeral arrangements and have it all done before you are forced to do it. Same thing with your living wills and estate shit....get it done and you avoid all the emotional roller coaster trying to get it done while your still alive.

Tell the people in your life how you feel and say I love you to your mother, brothers and sister, wife and husbands and kids and enjoy every day, sometimes time is not on your side and the days go by so fast you wish you had the power to slow it down to slow motion but in reality that can't be done so enjoy one day at a time.

"Good night, just want to tell you, I LOVE YOU GUYS, just in case I don't wake up in the morning." -Marco
"I love you too dad" -DLP
"I love you more" -Me
"But I love him most" -Matthew


karen appenzellar denn said...

Sorry your going through this and understand completely and agree with your last few paragraphs. Its bad enough to deal with Dave's death, but then the anger of having to do Dave's estate and such on top of it all. This was because he was too stubborn in the very beginning. We even have a cousin who would do his estate for free. Yes its hard and scary but for their own good and not just their families. Well enough about me. Just praying for you and Marco and word of advice. "Just take it day by day".

Surviving 3 Under 5 said...

Some might find it unbearable to think of everything you guys are going through. Your reality takes our breath away. But we each are looking to help in any way possible. LEAN ON US TO HELP WITH THOSE THINGS THAT NEED TO GET DONE.

I think we are all learning that we are all overwhelmed with what the future will bring. But the biggest lesson is that in this moment we can enjoy the precious time together. Somehow each moment is valued and cherished. Gone are the days that I take life for granted.

You guys are extraordinary and you lift me up.

Anonymous said...

I love you all so much.

Anonymous said...

So is there an option to have a mock funeral while you are still here.. so we can skip out on the real deal???

- kray

amy said...

Marie...Something made me think of you guys today and I thought to come back to the blog. I want you to know that I am thinking and praying for you all. PLEASE give my love to Marco and the kids. My email address is Praying for strength, comfort, and a way to find meaning in the midst of the shitty stuff...