Friday, April 6, 2012

Life Goes On.....Marco's saying

Life doesn't stop. It keeps on going no matter what.The kids have now been back to school 2 weeks and have finally caught up with their homework since they were gone.It was a lot for the kids to go back to school and get caught up with the school work, but I told to just try their best.

Here I was trying to write on the blog the other day and it took me all damn day just to write my last blog entry. Its just so hard to express your feelings without breaking down. So here I am again tring to write through my damn tears. They should invent some type of eye wipers that just clear them away when you can't see shit in front of you to write.

Today as I was driving back from dropping off Matthew from school I decided to tune into the blend xm radio and as I listen to the song coming on I said to myself hey I have heard that tune before.......Love, Love will keep us together. I laughed, I cried all the way back to my mom's house but with a smile on my face. Little things like this make my day, these are the little thing I appreciate to be able to think back on Marco singing this song and dancing like a commador snaping his fingers as he swade, side to side.

I was talking to Surviving 3 under 5 and I asked her if she had seen the new commercial on the Pop Tarts when they are plain and then all of a sudden they have all these crazy colors. Well the kids and I were watching TV and all of the sudden this commercial comes out and we hear the I'm to sexy song....we all started to laugh out loud and I said your daddy would of jump out of his bed and started to shake his ass and sing out loud. We all just laughed. We love this commercial.

Life throws you some interesting things when you least expected.... its up to you to know how you'll let yourself accept them. With acceptance, smile and enjoy the moment or not accknowledge that its there, ignore it, and let the moment slip away.

Well,as you all know DLP will be graduating this May 2012 and she is so excited. She will be making her college choice soon. She has her eye on UC Santa Cruz,yes you guessed it by the sea. Marco always told her to make decisions on what is better for her and the career she choses,never take the short cuts for anything. Aim high in life and you'll be great and doors will open for you.

I am very excited to have DLP go off to college, we will be taking a trip up north next week to get a tour of the school. There is a lot going on with Prom in two weeks and we just ordered her yearbook, graduation, and moving possibly to Santa Cruz for college. A lot of things happening fast, too fast but life goes on and we just have to jump on the life train to were its headed sometimes. But I know she will be alright. Very excited to see UC Santa Cruz!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

One Day At A Time....with no regrets

I can't believe its been a month today that Marco has been gone. We still feel him around us every moment of the day. Our hearts are so filled with the love he had for us and the love we have for him not to mention all the great memories we shared are relived each and everyday.
There is not a day that has gone by with out a Marco quote followed by a laugh.

We are grateful that we were able to have him in our lives as my friend, best friend, husband and greatest dad to my kids. He has left us with an amazing appreciation of life and we don't let the sadness our hearts feel get us down because Marco never let anything get him down.

Marco told us to always remember something great we did and smile, not to feel sad. And that is exactly what we do. We refuse to let sadness get the best of us, all though we do have our moments but its okay cause we aren't made of rock.

If only everyone could see that having your memories and remembering all the good times is what you should keep with you all the time to help you through your tough times. It makes it a little easier to get through the day. The sadness comes from missing his "physical presence" here with us or just not hearing his voice.

The kids and I, we can say we are doing okay thus far. We miss him a lot. But it got to the point were it scared me to see that the kids as well as myself were doing okay. (of course having our moments of breaking down, but okay) I called Odyssey to send a counselor right away, to talk with us. I felt like something was wrong and I need to get some answers or help for that matter.

The next day they sent over Kathy, a very nice woman to come talk with us. She wanted me to explain what my concerns where and why we thought we needed her help. I told her I wasn't sure why we were feeling okay. I explained that I was thinking maybe we were in survival mode, denial, or anything else she could add to the list.

Then she said "can you tell me a bit about your relationship with Marco". So of course we spilled the beans of how amazing he is and everything he had to deal with and how we all dealt with it. She wanted to know if the kids were informed of what was going on and we said "yes, with all the raw reality's of what the cancer was doing and what it would take at the end of the road." She wanted to know if Marco spoke to us about his feeling for each of us and we told her "yes, everyday".

We told her about our road trips, how we all cried through all of our raw reality talks with the kids and how we all planned his funeral just as he wanted it. From the brochures to the flowers and pictures selected for the video and scrapbooks. She just looked at us in disbelief she said she couldn't believe everything we had gone through as a family and yet we all kept it together.

She explained that there was nothing wrong with us, we just didn't have loose ends to have to deal with at the end. Everything was planned and we grieved every step of the way.
And we understood the reality of what life held for us and we learned as a family to accept it.

"Not a lot of people have that you know," she told us. She looked at us all and said from one end to another "you are normal, there is nothing you are telling me right now that makes it not normal. You don't have regrets, remorse and nothing wasn't left unsaid."

Matthew was the first to let out a deep sigh and say "well, I am glad we are normal." Gianina and I were relieved to hear that she wasn't going to take us wrapped in white jackets.

She explained that everyone has their own relationship with Marco and everyone will grieve differently. Depending on the relationship, there is not set way to grieve.

Before leaving I did mention to her that it still felt surreal, seemed like people were talking about someone else's Marco. We feel like he has been on a long fishing trip and its just taking him long to get home.
She replied with "that is normal too but be aware that the day will come when you all realize he is not walking through that door". I think she shock us with that, and we realized that, that was a devastating thing we would have to encounter at our own time.

I was glad that we talked to her and just her telling us we were "normal" was great in itself.

Marco means the world to us and we will never stop enjoying all the great things in life that we all had as a family. We embrace each day with the same attitude to move forward and enjoy one day at a time with no regrets. With a smile on our faces and always remembering all the wonderful memories Marco has left for us to enjoy.